I turned 24 on a Friday of the previous week, and for the weekend that followed it, I found myself celebrating with friends, feasting on basil dumplings, marveling at the deliciousness of my pizza, posing before my camera and laughing at every joke I heard.
On the surface, it appeared as though I was ecstatic about my life, jubilant even. But during those momentary pauses between jokes, between those slices of pizza, behind every smile I produced for the camera, there was an unshakable feeling of apprehension gnawing at the insides of me.
The first time I felt a similar feeling was the night before I started 8th grade. I was lying on a mattress at my grandmother’s (mom’s mom) house with the lights out and everyone fast asleep.
I remember counting the minutes, praying the night wouldn’t end, which – by extension – meant there wouldn’t be a next day, 8th grade wouldn’t start and everything would be the same. But the minutes did pass, with the passing of each causing spasms of anxiety resonating through my chest.
Eventually, the heavy breathing exhausted me so much, I passed out. When I woke up, the morning rush surpassed my fear and by the time I entered my new class room, the events of the previous night felt farfetched.
What had spurred my anxiety then? The idea that it was my first day of secondary school and the fact that it would inevitably lead to the last.
The second time I experienced this phenomenon was during the summer of 2015, just after I gave the last paper for my BA exams, and hitched a ride with my best friend in her boyfriend’s car. I didn’t like the idea of passing out in their backseat, so I requested them to drop me to the Nature’s Basket close to my home.
I could do with some German Potato Salad, the 4 pack chocolate yogurt and – for reasons even unknown to myself – the walk back home. Not the best ‘post exam celebratory’ meal – I know – but enough to keep my anxiety at bay. At least for a bit.
Even though, the fear didn’t hit like a bullet, it did come like a 1940’s Battle of France grenade: detonating after a whole 4 seconds – my equivalent of 24 hours. But when it did explode, the damage stretched over 7 months. I finally recovered only in the winter of that year.
My cause of concern then: making meaning of my life after college.
In the wake of my 24th birthday, this feeling of apprehension didn’t transpire by its usual modus operandi, rather it came like the unleashing of Zyklon B, that seeped gently through the cracks of my subconscious; destroying the deepest vaults of my mind and releasing all those unanswered questions about life that were once safely locked into its chambers.
Questions about my past choices, my present actions and the consequential impact they would have on the vast unknown, I usually refer to as ‘my future’.
Inadvertently, I entered 24 with such a profound sense of self awareness that it scared me to look into a mirror, completely unprepared to see what would reflect back at me. Would I be disappointed by my past actions? OR in a remote possibility, actually contented and accepting of my current status?
In a way, I don’t know.
But what I do know is that turning 24 also changed something within me. And, like I mentioned at the end of last year – no matter what my reflection may say about me or whichever form of weaponry my anxiety might next choose to unleash upon me – as long as I know I’m headed towards achieving contentment – nothing can deter me.
Because even with each stage of anxiety behind me; each one more severe than the last, I did eventually make it out. And, right now that is all the consolation I need to prepare myself for everything that is yet to come.
An insightful reflection indeed!
It takes a lot of talent to pour the heart on paper and that’s what you are able to do so wonderfully Rhea!👍
Thanks 🙂
What amazing talent Riya! .. in articulating feelings and thoughts with such ease, flow and details. Eagerly looking forward to the next one. #fan #follower
Thanks so much!
So proudddd❤️😘
Thanks baby 🙂
Beautiful post Rhea, it takes great courage to talk about your fears. Your brave outlook to life comes shining through
Thank you so much!
Proud of u girl 🤩😘
Thanks Mikky 🙂
Love the honesty, independence and frankness with which you express yourself. Life is a constant battle with changing circumstances and you are well equipped with a pen which mightier than the sword in any situation.
Thank you, I’m so happy you liked it 🙂
Very insightful and a mature piece. Something that all young people probably go thru and will readily identify with. Love the blog
Thank you so much for reading it 🙂
Rhea!
You have a great potential to be a finest Author….
Superb English,
Your writing has power to make reader feel wht you hv felt….
Keep it up….God Bless you…
Thank you so much! It means the world to me to be told I can be an author someday 🙂
So proud of you, this is real and honest, nothing pretentious about it and that’s what makes it so beautiful! Love you!
Thank you!
Amazingly written, and regarding the anxiety, I think we all struggle a bit with it every now and then, 🙂
Thanks!
Genuine !
Love the way you draw the reader to complete reading the blog !
Author in the making.
All the best 🙂
Thank you so much! Especially for the ‘author in making’ part! 🙂
Amazing work! 👏🏻 I could actually relate to so many parts🤗
Thanks so much for reading it. I’m glad you could relate 🙂
Hey Rhea
Very original and touching
So proud
Thank you 🙂
You are brave and thoughtful. 2 amazing gifts. You may find them burdensome sometimes but you will also receive their benefits too. Keep writing. Every day. Never stop. Xoxoxo
Awww..I’m so happy someone understands 🙂 Thank you!
Very well written Rhea. So insightful for one so young.
Thank you so much!
Good writing. You have the ability to be a published author.
Thanks so much 🙂
I was reading and read again ….you creates visual fragments and allow us to glue the whole together to revisit journey and its layers .it very easy to read (language).. enjoyed your meticulous collection of stories from reservoir of your journey . keep stimulating us…lots of blessings .
Thanks so much for such a beautiful compliment 🙂 It is so artistic how you articulate your thoughts and put them into such meaningful sentences!
What should I say? Except that’s it’s superb. I am not a well articulated writer to express even compliments. You can become an author. All you need is a good story which you will tell very well.
Thanks!